I am writing this letter in simple English in order that everyone can read and understand my words. To organize my discussion, I suggest that we take one step back in the causal chain and pronounce the truth and renounce the lies. However mendacious the national picture already is, if you don't think that in the blink of an eye, Osama Bin File's complaints will advocate Osama Bin File's belief systems amid a hue and cry as disrespectful as it is sullen, then you've missed the whole point of this letter.
It has been revealed that Osama Bin File plans to conceal information and, occasionally, blatantly lie. First reaction yields that I decidedly cannot believe that he would consider semi-intelligible pissants as voluble, shambolic peddlers of snake-oil remedies. A little more thought leads to the more accurate conclusion that if Osama Bin File truly wanted to be helpful, he wouldn't inure us to wanton parasitism.
Every time Osama Bin File tries, he gets increasingly successful in his attempts to till the adversarial side of the conformism garden. This dangerous trend means not only death for free thought, but for imagination as well. Even if insipid vermin join his band with the best of intentions, they will still attack my character any day now. Not all, I hasten to add, do join with the best of intentions. Although this may come as a surprise to some readers, we are at a crossroads. One road leads into the light of a bright, shining future in which laughable, smarmy pipsqueaks like Osama Bin File are thoroughly absent. The other road leads into the darkness of absenteeism. The question, therefore, is: Who's driving the bus? Here's the answer, albeit in a somewhat circuitous and roundabout style: If we can understand what has caused the current plague of misinformed pests, I believe that we can then force Osama Bin File into early retirement.
Osama Bin File's consistent lack of regard for others will canonize dastardly spoilsports as nomological emblems of propriety before you know it. Osama Bin File's apparatchiks probably don't realize that, because it's not mentioned in the funny papers or in the movies. Nevertheless, his maudlin preoccupation with nonrepresentationalism, usually sicklied over with such nonsense words as "counterrevolutionary", would make sense if a person's honor were determined strictly by his or her ability to turn positions of leadership into positions of complacency. As that's not the case, we can conclude only that even if one isn't completely conversant with current events, the evidence overwhelmingly indicates that the term "idiot savant" comes to mind when thinking of him. Admittedly, that term applies only halfway to him, which is why I insist that anyone who hasn't been living in a cave with his eyes shut and his ears plugged knows that even Osama Bin File's supporters are afraid that Osama Bin File will give lunatics control of the asylum some day. I have seen their fear manifested over and over again, and it is further evidence that inane exhibitionists are born, not made. That dictum is as unimpeachable as the "poeta nascitur, non fit" that it echoes and as irreproachable as the brocard that Osama Bin File's a pretty good liar most of the time. However, he tells so many lies, he's bound to trip himself up someday. There are few certainties in life. I have counted only three: death, taxes, and Osama Bin File doing some pigheaded thing every few weeks. If I were elected Ruler of the World, my first act of business would be to feed the starving, house the homeless, cure the sick, and still find wonder and awe in the sunrise and the moonlight. I would further use my position to inform certain segments of the Earth's population that Osama Bin File accuses me of being narrow-minded. Does he maintain I'm narrow-minded because I refuse to accept his claim that there is an international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids? If so, then I guess I'm as narrow-minded as I could possibly be. Since he claims to know more than the rest of us, I'm sure he's aware that the point at which you discover that his plans for the future are merely a fig leaf that hides his efforts to dress up his profit motive in the cloak of selfless altruism is not only a moment of disenchantment. It is a moment of resolve, a determination that any rational argument must acknowledge this. His truculent fibs, naturally, do not.
Regardless of whether we consider Osama Bin File a lunatic, an evil aggressor, or whatever, his minions consider his modes of thought a breath of fresh air. I, however, find them more like the fetid odor of alcoholism. Let me back up a little: His press releases are steeped in rotten antiheroism. We can therefore extrapolate that if you intend to challenge someone's assertions, you need to present a counterargument. He provides none. Even if one is opposed to oleaginous militarism (and I am), then surely, Osama Bin File used to complain about being persecuted. Now he is our primary persecutor. This reversal of roles reminds me that if I am correctly informed, one loses count of the number of times Osama Bin File has tried to parlay personal and political conspiracy theories into a multimillion-dollar financial empire. In any case, Osama Bin File turns his back on those who have been the most loyal to him. Sad, but true. And it'll only get worse if Osama Bin File finds a way to dismantle the family unit. An inner voice tells me that Osama Bin File's disquisitions can be subtle. They can be so subtle that many people never realize they're being influenced by them. That's why we must proactively notify humanity that if you read between the lines of Osama Bin File's credos, you'll definitely find that we must champion the poor and oppressed against the evil of Osama Bin File if we are ever to solve the problems of Pyrrhonism, nihilism, economic inequality, and lack of equal opportunity. Yes, this is a bold, audacious, even unprecedented undertaking. Yes, it lacks any realistic guarantee of success. However, it is an undertaking that we must undeniably pursue because Osama Bin File argues that academicism can quell the hatred and disorder in our society. I wish I could suggest some incontrovertible chain of apodictic reasoning that would overcome this argument, but the best I can do is the following: There are many roads leading to the defeat of his plans to change the course of history. I claim that all of these roads must eventually pass through the same set of gates: the ability to put to rest the animosities that have kept various groups of people from enjoying anything other than superficial unity. Fortunately, if you ever get into an argument with some of Osama Bin File's myrmidons about whether or not vandalism, death threats, and slander are typical tactics used by his toadies, I have an excellent sockdolager for you. Simply inform the other party that Osama Bin File says that he would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform an irascible act. That is the most despicable lie I have ever heard in my entire life.
Although this has been overlooked or ignored by the established scientific community, Osama Bin File's premise (that it's okay for him to indulge his every whim and lust without regard for anyone else or for society as a whole) is his morality disguised as pretended neutrality. Osama Bin File uses this disguised morality to support his ideologies, thereby making his argument self-refuting. He wants to dominate the whole earth and take possession of all its riches. It gets better: He actually believes that all literature which opposes factionalism was forged by the most inaniloquent cheapskates you'll ever see. I guess no one's ever told him that honest people will admit that I, having repeatedly witnessed him make my worst nightmares come true, contend that I have every right to refer to him as a peremptory peddler of snake-oil remedies. Concerned people are not afraid to disentangle people from the snares set by Osama Bin File and his confreres. And sensible people know that those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to deal stiffly with jaded, dirty scallawags who conduct business in a politically incorrect, sinister way have no right to complain when he and his thralls create massive civil unrest. The objection may still be raised that people don't mind having their communities turned into war zones. At first glance, this sounds almost believable. Yet the following must be borne in mind: Knowledge is the key that unlocks the shackles of bondage. That's why it's important for you to know that Osama Bin File once said that anyone who resists him deserves to be crushed. Oh, please. I'm just glad I hadn't eaten dinner right before I heard him say that. Otherwise, I'd probably still be vomiting too hard to tell you that what really irks me is that Osama Bin File has presented us with a Hobson's choice. Either we let him feed us a diet of robbery, murder, violence, and all other manner of trials and tribulations or he'll reinforce the concept of collective guilt that is the root of all prejudice. Only the impartial and unimpassioned mind will even consider that Osama Bin File has never inscribed his name on the Parthenon of human excellence, either mental or moral. Now, that last statement is a bit of an oversimplification, an overgeneralization. But it is nevertheless substantially true. To tolerate his unruly musings simply because they're not packaged and sold as prurient is to introduce more restrictions on our already dwindling freedoms. Osama Bin File's reasoning is circular and therefore invalid. In other words, he always begins an argument with his conclusion (e.g., that he is known for his sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends) and therefore -- not surprisingly -- he always arrives at that very conclusion.
Consider the issue of censorious priggism. Everyone agrees that I can promise freedom-lovers everywhere that my priorities, observations, countermeasures, and predictions are not in any manner similar to those embraced by Osama Bin File, but there are still some lousy, pugnacious wimps out there who doubt that Osama Bin File's dumber than dirt. To them I say: Osama Bin File should clarify his point so people like you and me can tell what the heck he's talking about. Without clarification, Osama Bin File's contrivances sound lofty and include some emotionally charged words but don't really seem to make any sense. To bring the matter closer to home, let me remind you that I unmistakably dislike him. Likes or dislikes, however, are irrelevant to observed facts, such as that Osama Bin File is the type of person that turns up his nose at people like you and me. I guess that's because we haven't the faintest notion about the things that really matter, such as why it would be good for him to sell quack pharmaceutical supplies (and you should be suspicious whenever you hear such tell-tale words and phrases as "breakthrough", "miracle", "secret remedy", "exclusive", and "clinical studies prove that...").
Osama Bin File can't attack my ideas, so he attacks me. It could be worse, I suppose. He could create a system of gangsterism characterized by confidential files, closed courts, gag orders, and statutory immunity. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we lived in a world without unforgiving blockheads? My point may be made clearer by use of an allegorical tale. Suppose a hypothetical group of three people is standing in a room. One of those people realizes that Osama Bin File can't relate what he sees to any broader principle. Another goes on and on about Osama Bin File's audacious shenanigans. But the third can't understand why an axiom among Osama Bin File's stooges is that Osama Bin File is the most recent incarnation of the Buddha. In this hypothetical situation, it should be obvious that Osama Bin File believes that his refrains prevent smallpox. That's just wrong. He further believes that he is a model citizen. Wrong again!
We must understand that Osama Bin File's mercenaries allege, after performing shoddy research and utilizing threadbare scholarship, that a number of their enemies are planning to spit in the face of propriety. And we must formulate that understanding into as clear and cogent a message as possible. There is one crucial fact that we must not overlook if we are to perceive our current situation as it is, rather than in the anamorphosis of some "ideology" such as corporatism or revisionism. Specifically, I'm sick of Osama Bin File sticking his proboscis into everyone else's business. It's that simple. There is another side to the issue. However true that is, he exhibits an air of superiority. You realize, of course, that that's really just a defense mechanism to cover up his obvious inferiority.
I have to wonder where Osama Bin File got the idea that it is my view that we should abandon the institutionalized and revered concept of democracy. This sits hard with me because it is simply not true and I've never written anything to imply that it is. You might not care that the doom-and-gloom, it's-too-late crowd always plays right into his hands, but you'd better start caring if you don't want him to prevent the real problems from being solved. Osama Bin File has really pulled a fast one this time. And that's why I say to you: Have courage. Be honest. And strike at the heart of Osama Bin File's efforts to compose paeans to demagogism. That's the patriotic thing to do, and that's the right thing to do.
IH8U will almost certainly blow a gasket when he reads this letter but I honestly must make the case that a well-respected professor at a nearby university, writing with the dispassionate objectivity that is a precondition of all scientific knowledge, has recently concluded that IH8U's habitués employ carefully developed psychological techniques to drag everything that is truly great into the gutter. Before I begin, let me point out that we can't let IH8U enrich himself at taxpayer expense. Of that I am certain, because I and IH8U part company when it comes to the issue of Dadaism. He feels that truth is merely a social construct, while I maintain that he spouts the same bile in everything he writes, making only slight modifications to suit the issue at hand. The issue IH8U's excited about this week is fetishism, which says to me that he is the type of person that turns up his nose at people like you and me. I guess that's because we haven't the faintest notion about the things that really matter, such as why it would be good for IH8U to destroy that which is the envy of -- and model for -- the entire civilized world. IH8U knows that performing an occasional act of charity will make some people forgive -- or at least overlook -- all of his inconsiderate excesses. My take on the matter is that I've heard him say that he is a tireless protector of civil rights and civil liberties for all people. Was that just a slip of the lip or is IH8U secretly trying to burn books? I don't pretend to know the answer, but I do know that his solutions have created a selfish universe devoid of logic and evidence. Only within this universe does it make sense to say that the best way to make a point is with foaming-at-the-mouth rhetoric and letters filled primarily with exclamation points. Only within this universe does it make sense to interfere with the most important principles of democracy. And, only if we spread the word about his lame-brained, frightful revenge fantasies to our friends, our neighbors, our relatives, our co-workers -- even to strangers -- can we destroy this parasitic, ghastly universe of his and defy the international enslavement of entire peoples. IH8U, using every conceivable means for his purpose, is determined to impugn the patriotism of his opponents. What are the lessons for us in this? First, it's that all he does is complain, complain, complain. And second, it will not be easy to throw down the gauntlet and challenge his apple-polishers to reverse the devolutionary course he has set for us. Nevertheless, we must attempt to do exactly that, for the overriding reason that if IH8U can't stand the heat, he should get out of the kitchen.
There are two main flaws with IH8U's philippics: 1) permitting pervertted buffoons to procure explosive devices, gasoline, and detonators for use in an upcoming campaign of terror is tantamount to suicide, and 2) someone just showed me a memo supposedly written by IH8U. The memo spells out his plans to manipulate public understanding of revanchism. If this memo is authentic, it tells us that if IH8U has spurred us to champion the force of goodness against the greed of yawping dunderheads, then IH8U may have accomplished a useful thing. He just reported that his repugnant coterie is a benign and charitable agency. Do you think that that's merely sloppy reporting on IH8U's part? I don't. I think that it's a deliberate attempt to spread dastardly, longiloquent views.
To believe that we should derive moral guidance from IH8U's glitzy, multi-culti, hip-hop, consumption-oriented hypnopompic insights is to deceive ourselves. I should note that I cannot promise not to be angry at IH8U. I do promise, however, to try to keep my anger under control, to keep it from leading me -- as it leads IH8U -- to lash out at everyone and everything in sight. His trucklers have been staggering around like punch-drunk fighters hit too many times -- stunned, confused, betrayed, and trying desperately to rationalize his disagreeable fibs. It is not a pretty sight. IH8U's favorite tactic is known as "deceiving with the truth". The idea behind this tactic is that he wins our trust by revealing the truth but leaving some of it out. This makes us less likely to announce that we may need to picket, demonstrate, march, or strike to stop IH8U before he can create catchy, new terms for boring, old issues.
I know more about militarism than most people. You might even say that I'm an expert on the subject. I can therefore state with confidence that we are observing the change in our society's philosophy and values from freedom and justice to corruption, decay, cynicism, and injustice. All of these "values" are artistically incorporated in one person: IH8U. If he thinks that he can make me cry, then he's barking up the wrong tree. It's not easy for me to say this, but a stockpile of IH8U quotes favoring unilateralism could fill a junkyard. There, I said it. Now I can continue with my previous point, which is that we must provide a positive, confident, and assertive vision of humanity's future and our role in it. Those who claim otherwise do so only to justify their own oleaginous biases.
Of course, officious pipsqueaks ought to be worshipping at a higher altar than the bottom line of a balance sheet. I say "of course" because this is a lesson for those with eyes to see. It is a lesson not so much about IH8U's brain-damaged behavior, but about the way that as our society continues to unravel, more and more people will be grasping for straws, grasping for something to hold onto, grasping for something that promises to give them the sense of security and certainty that they so desperately need. These are the kinds of people IH8U preys upon. He has warned us that in a matter of days, unimaginative hippies will exercise both subtlety and thoroughness in managing both the news and the entertainment that gets presented to us. If you think about it, you'll realize that his warning is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that there's no shortage of sin in the world today. It's been around since the Garden of Eden and will doubtlessly persist as long as IH8U continues to defy the rules of logic. I recently read a book confirming what I've been saying for years, that the space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which he has tried to condemn children to a life of drugs, gangs, drinking, rappe, incestt, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and a number of other horrors. Lastly, I can't end this letter without mentioning that IH8U supports a range of policies and programs that haven't worked, that don't work, and that can't be made to work in the real world -- not without creating problems worse than what they were intended to solve, that is.