I've stumbled across a new foolproof Home Security System that's also surprisingly affordable.
Here are the instructions:
Step 1- Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
Step 2- Place them on your front porch next to a chair along with an old, well-read copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
Step 3- Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
Step 4- Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
It hasn't failed me yet.