Man caught in vacuum sex act gets 90 days 29-year-old pleads no contest to indecent exposure after car wash incident
NEWS SATIRE
Man caught having sex with vacuum March 27: A Michigan man has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for having sex with a car wash vacuum cleaner. Willie Geist has the shocking details. ZeitGeist
updated 8:08 a.m. PT, Fri., March. 27, 2009
SAGINAW, Mich. - A man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in prison. Jason Leroy Savage must also submit to drug testing. The 29-year-old from Michigan, was sentenced Wednesday at Saginaw County Circuit Court. Savage pleaded no contest to indecent exposure last month. _ Police say Savage was arrested after a resident called officers early on Oct. 16 to report suspicious activity at a car wash in Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit. Savage's attorney, Philip Sturtz, didn't immediately return a message seeking comment.
Last week I purchased a sandwich at Burger King for $2.58. The counter-girl took my $3 & I was digging for my change When I pulled 8 cents from my pocket & gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel & 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her dis-comfort & tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there & cried.
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since 1960
1. Teaching math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1990 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 & his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 2000 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because heIs selfish & inconsiderate & cares nothing for the Habitat of animals or the preservation of our wood- Lands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the Question: How did the birds & squirrels feel as theLogger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong Answers, & if you feel like crying, it's okay.)
6. Teaching Math In 2010 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Shortly after class, a student approaches his economics professor and says, \"I don\'t understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?\" The professor replied, \"I don\'t have time right now, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I\'ll be glad to explain it to you.\" The student agreed. At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor\'s house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool. They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, \"First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can.\" The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, \"Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it..\" The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told. The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, \"Excuse me, but why are we doing this?\" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper. The student didn\'t think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough. However, after the 8th or 9th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had kinda\' lost it. The student finally blurted out, \"All we\'re doing is wasting valuable time and effort on an unproductive pursuit. Even worse, when this process is all over (and there\'s absolutely no way to know when that might be), everything will be exactly the same as before, so all we\'ll really have accomplished is the complete waste of both our time and our efforts which, if otherwise directed, might have had a chance of yielding a productive result!\" The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, \"Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill.\"
"The new president is going to have his hands full trying to work with this babe! This was listed in a San Francisco paper as something fishy!!!!
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's home district includes San Francisco .
Star-Kist Tuna's headquarters are in San Francisco , Pelosi's home district. Star-Kist is owned by Del Monte Foods and is a major contributor to Pelosi. Star-Kist is the major employer in American Samoa employing 75% of the Samoan work force. Paul Pelosi, Nancy 's husband, owns $17 million dollars of Star-Kist stock.
In January, 2007 when the minimum wage was increased from $5.15 to $7.25, Pelosi had American Samoa exempted from the increase so Del Monte would not have to pay the higher wage. This would make Del Monte products less expensive than
their competition's.
Last week when the huge bailout bill was passed, Pelosi added an earmark to the final bill adding $33 million dollars for an 'economic development credit in
American Samoa '.
Pelosi has called the Bush Administration "CORRUPT" ? ? How do you spell "HYPOCRISY" ? "
6 months after a woman was divorced from her husband and no flings for 3 months she started to get a strong urge for some $ex............ she dicided to go to an adult toy store and get herself a d!ldo............. after about 30 mins in the store she finally made up her mind ....... she called the clerk and told him she would take the red one on the wall.....................
Ma am he said , "thats the fire extinguisher."..........
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little h0rny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and
smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please,please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob,or i can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it.But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
Bob, a handsome guy, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
I just HAD to post this freak of nature. Some animals in the wild can surpass their natural "average" size quite considerably. I thought this was simply amazing!!
Paul Big moose. Looks good. I have my doubts. If the picture was shot two weeks ago, I know it is a fake. Moose shed their antlers ever year and would be in velvet two weeks ago.
I used to camp north of lake Superior every year in Ontario Canada for a good many years. Pukaskwa National park. It never ceases to amaze me the size of these beasts. One early morning off to the bait shop we passed a group of them down in a ditch off the side of the road. The ditch had to be 6-7 feet below road level. When we passed the largest of the group was looking at me eye to eye on the same level.
I miss Canada I really do. So clean and serene. At night by the fire you can here the loons off the lake and see EVERY star available. Good times. Also fun to watch were all the trains. The cargo trains are open up there. Not much vandalism to require closed trains all the time. In the states if a train loaded with new autos were to pass by it would be a delinquent delight throwing stones at them.
I love my country and yet hate to be here sometimes ya know?
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!t..."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
The common tool post is awesome. I've had almost everyone of those cases happen to me, except for the hydraulic floor jack one. Don't own one of those.
Lol yeah the tool one is good. I've sent many a projectile towards a drywall wall before from my table saw. So much so that I actually thought about installing a permanent "catcher's mitt" made from rigid insulation installed on the wall to take the blows.
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his own particularly obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that this inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers. Every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from he c!rcumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi, getting tired of this unusually rude auditor. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d*ck." .....
A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.
"Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great! Smooth as a baby's bottom!"
He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move. Just then he gulped and gagged with an involuntary jerk. The ball was now stuck in the back of his mouth.
With muffled voice he asked, "Buh what happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"
The barber said, "Don't worry about it. Here's some water. Swallow it down and just bring it back tomorrow...that's what the last guy did." .......
In South Korea, traffic police are required to report all bribes that they receive from motorists.
In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself while standing up after 10pm.
In Germany, every office must have a view of the sky.
In Israel, there is no legal way for a man named Cohen to marry a divorced woman.
In Alberta, Canada, if you are released from prison, you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse so you can ride out of town.
In Carlisle, Scots found wandering around can be whipped or jailed.. In King County, Canada, it is illegal to sit on a man's lap on the metro unless he is your husband.. In York, Scots can still be legally shot with a bow and arrow, except on Sundays.
In Alabama, it is illegal to buy a bag of peanuts after sunset and before sunrise the next day.
In Scotland, it is against the law in Scotland to be drunk in possession of a cow.
In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public, except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.. In California, it is against the law to set a mousetrap without a hunting licence.
In the UK, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your commode, you must let them in.
In Florida, owners who leave elephants at parking meters must pay the same fee as for a vehicle. And only married women are allowed to parachute on a Sunday.
In Belgium it is illegal to wear a red hat while walking down the main street.
In the UK, it is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.
In Iowa, after love-making, men are not allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with their partner or holding them in their arms.
In Massachusetts, mourners are not allowed to eat more than three sandwiches each at a wake.
In Scotland, it is illegal for a boy under the age of 10 to see a naked mannequin.
In Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal red-blooded male."
In the UK, placing a postage stamp with the Queen's head on it upside down is considered treason.
In Minnesota, it is illegal to pass a cow in Pine Island District without tipping your hat.
In France it is illegal to kiss on railways. In New York, having sex with a porcupine is illegal.
In Italy a man may be arrested for wearing a skirt.
In Oklahoma, anyone found making ugly faces at a dog can be fined, arrested or jailed.
In London, commuters on the tube can be fined £ 2 for not queuing.
In Wisconsin, it is illegal for a man to fire a gun when his female partner has an 0rgasm.
In Norway it is illegal to kill a mouse unless for consumption. In Pueblo, Colorado, it is illegal to let dandelions grow.
In the UK, it is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour.
In Thailand, it's illegal to drive without wearing a shirt.
In Hartford, Connecticut, it's illegal to educate a pet dog.
In Russia, you are not allowed to drive a dirty car.
In Utah, garden birds have the right of way on all roads, and having sex in an ambulance is banned.
In the UK, it is illegal to die while in the Houses of Parliament.
In Illinois, it's illegal to sit by a fish pond in your pyjamas.
In Sarasota, Florida, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit, and women may be fined for falling asleep under a hairdryer.
Today, I went to the casino. I used my last $5 on a slot machine. When the machine started lighting up, saying I had just won $20,000, I excitedly began jumping and screaming. As people crowded around me, the casino lady explained it was 20,000 credits, not dollars. I had only won $20. FML
Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then proceeded to jump and cling on to my cr0tch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vag!na with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML
Today, I got an acceptance later to a great boarding school in India for my senior year of high school. I sent them a letter telling them I wouldn't go, because I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I just got a text from my boyfriend. Guess who's my ex again? FML
Today, I was driving home at night when I saw a billboard flash "report drunk drivers". 15 minuted later, I saw someone drive recklessly as if they were drunk. When I called the cops, I got pulled over by another cop for talking on my cell phone. I got a $150 ticket. FML
Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my pen!s. She thought it was my phone. FML
Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML
Today, I was putting on cream and my son asked what it was for. I told him it was to keep the wrinkles away. He looked at me closely and replied, "I don't think it's working." FML
Today, the three-year-old I was babysitting asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her he was at his house. I'm twenty and single. I lied to a three year old to make myself look less pathetic. FML
Today, my brother came out to our family as being g ay. My mother starting crying because "She wanted grandchildren." I told her that I was planning on having children. She started crying harder. FML
Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and proceeded to sing " Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML
If your bored and need a laugh there is some pretty funny stuff on here.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "Sure. That sounds great!" The woman says, "Good... get your own f@cking blanket!" ...
One cold day there was an omish mom and her daughter riding down the road in a buggy. The daughter said, "Momma, my hands are cold." The mom said, "Well, put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up." The little girl does it.
Next day, the girl and her boyfriend are riding down the road in the buggy, and the boy says, "My hands are cold." The girl says, "Well put them between my legs and my body heat will warm them up." The boy does so.
Next day, they are both riding in the cart again. This time the boy said, "My head is cold." The girl said, "Well put it between my legs and my body heat will warm it up." Once again the boy does so.
Next day, they are both riding in the cart. Boy says, "Wow its cold out here!" Girl goes, "Yea." Boy, "My pen1s is cold." Girl goes, "Ok, put it between my legs and my body heat will warm it up."
Next day, her and her mom are riding in the cart together. Girl goes, "Momma what's a pen1s?" Mom asks, "Why?" Girl goes, "Cuz they sure do make a heck of a mess when they defrost."....
I can always find a crackup read on "The best of Craigslist".
A few things from the bike shop. Date: 2009-05-27, 4:05PM PDT
Whoo-hoo Seattle, the sun is out! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru.
So yes, you've noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to some bike riding. Let's keep in mind that the sun came out of all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that huffs "Why are there so many people here?"
Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier.
SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE:
- I don't know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care how tall you are. I don't care how long your inseam is. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a f@rt, ball up, and roll your fat azz down here.
- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your sh1t out.
-I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you flucking squirrels, it's that "doesn't shift right" means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure.
- No, I don't know how much a good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much".
FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS:
- Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small for you to begin with into a comfort bike.
- If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for a fixie conversion doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart.
- I love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don't work together. While we're at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering flucking thing anywhere near me.
-If you sh1theads had any money, you wouldn't NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on.
- Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that "vintage" Murray is because it's sh1t. It was sh1t in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still sh1t, even with more air in the tires.
SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY A BIKE:
Good for you! Biking is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.
-Your co-worker that's "really into biking" knows fluck all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you.
- You're not a triathlete. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.
- You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.
- So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good.
ABOUT YOUR KIDS:
Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here.
- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike.
- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a m@lester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid butt, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are FLUCKING AWESOME.
I hope this helps, and have fun this summer riding your kick-azz bike!
- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your sh1t out.
- So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good.
I was reading an old joke thread on CA out of boredom and came across this. Haven't laughed so hard in a long time.
Just thought I would share.
its_bacon12: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
its_bacon12: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?
its_bacon12: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your cr0tch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
its_bacon12: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
its_bacon12: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
its_bacon12: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
its_bacon12: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
its_bacon12: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
its_bacon12: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My n!pples are erect for you.
its_bacon12: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
its_bacon12: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
its_bacon12: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
its_bacon12: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
its_bacon12: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool.
its_bacon12: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my p@nties!
its_bacon12: I'm pulling off your p@nties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
its_bacon12: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking!
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
its_bacon12: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
its_bacon12: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
its_bacon12: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.
its_bacon12: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
its_bacon12: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
its_bacon12: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
its_bacon12: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other.
its_bacon12: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
its_bacon12: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
its_bacon12: I have to peee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!
its_bacon12: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
its_bacon12: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
its_bacon12: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.
its_bacon12: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
its_bacon12: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my azz back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
its_bacon12: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
its_bacon12: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
its_bacon12: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
its_bacon12: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
its_bacon12: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!
its_bacon12: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!
Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, I grabbed onto the fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML
Today, I gave my mother a pre-prepared deposit envelope with my fortnightly wage in it, in cash. I tell her exactly where the deposit box is and what to do. I'm now desperately calling the bank because my mother accidentely put my $1200 deposit in the little trash can for receipts under the ATM. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having ice cream and I jokingly asked "What's better? The sex or ice cream?" Apparently I don't pleasure her like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream does. FML
Today, I was wearing a skirt, and running towards a closing elevator, making it just in time. As soon as I ran in, my pad fell out of my underwear and onto the floor. There were 6 other people in the elevator. I picked it up before I realized I had nowhere to put it, so I held it. For 18 floors. FML
Today, my father taught my son to peee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML
Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so I could use the self check-out. My item rung up incorrectly, so a girl came to help. She was new and having trouble, so she called more people to help. I ended up having five people around me talking about my Vagisil purchase. FML
Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pvssy. FML
one day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's piggylinks.
"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!" ......
This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here
Posted on Wednesday, December 23, 2009 - 09:50 GMT
A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's azz and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby? A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale??? A. A northern fairytale begins...'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins.... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*it.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
A guy walked into the local Welfare Office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexxual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it.."
Tony is planning to marry, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Hey Tony, all Italians use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Tony asks, "Ohhh, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
A man is sitting on his couch enjoying a football game and eating some peanuts. He tosses the nuts into the air, catching them in his mouth.
Just as he tosses one into the air, his wife walks in and startles him. With his head leaned all the way back, he turns to the side, and the nut falls directly into his ear.
In a state of panic and discomfort, the man shakes his head violently, tries sticking his little finger in to get the nut out, hops around on one leg while slapping the opposite side of his head, all to no avail. Everything he tries seems to make the nut sink deeper inside his ear.
Just then, the mans daughter and her boyfriend walk in. The man's wife, remembering that John the boyfriend is a medical student, says "John you have to help my husband, he's gotten a peanut stuck in his ear and can't get it out!!!"
John calmly walks over to the man and says "Okay, I'm going to stick my fingers up your nose to plug your airway, and I want you to close your mouth and blow as hard as you can."
John sticks his fingers up the man's nostrils to plug the airway, the man blows til his face is red, and sure enough, the nut comes flying out!!!
The man's wife, relieved, proclaims, "John that was amazing!! You're going to be a wonderful doctor one day!!"
The man, now catching his breath, adds "He'd better be my f@#$ing son in law too one day based on the smell of his fingers."
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pe e.
LAW OF GRAVITY - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF PROBABILITY - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
LAW OF THE ALIBI - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
VARIATION LAW - If you change lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
LAW OF THE BATH - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
LAW OF THE THEATER AND FOOTBALL STADIUM - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
THE COFFEE LAW - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
DOCTORS' LAW - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills town of Sturgis, out in the West River area of South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
After years of being caught up in the hub bub of New York City corporate life, a man decides he's in need of a change. He's single, without kids, and decides to move to the Kentucky back woods to get closer to nature.
One Saturday afternoon, after driving into the nearest little town, he chats for a bit with a friendly hardware store owner.
Man: "So, I just moved here from New York a few weeks back, starting to get settled in, what's there to do around here anyway?"
Store Owner: (In a thick Kentucky accent) "Well, theres lots to do. Theres the theater up on main street if ya like movie pictures. The ice cream parlor if ya've got a sweet tooth. Heck, fella named Earl even has a pettin' zoo about a mile up the road."
Man: (Unimpressed) "Hmmm, well that all sounds fun... I'll have to check it out."
Store Owner: "Ya know, if yer lookin fer somethin a little more fun, I'm havin a lil get together at my place later tonight, should git pretty wild."
Man: "Hell yeah! I've been dying to let loose a bit."
Store Owner: "I should warn ya though, theres proly gonna be a lil drinkin."
Man: "That's fine by me, I'd love to kick a few back"
Store Owner: "Alright, but I gotta tell ya, there might just be some fightin too"
Man: "Oh... no worries I'm a pretty easy going guy."
Store Owner: "Well alright, but I really have to warn ya... theres definitely gonna be som sex."
Man: "Oh okay.... wow your parties really do get wild, anything else I should know?"
Store Owner: "Nah thats about it, its just gon' be the two of us so come by whenever ya like."
. The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
But 'realistically', we're living with two hukers and a qu3er.'
Date: 2010-09-07, 9:37AM EDT Reply to: sale-qktu9-1940615937@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
i need 5 steel poles 6in round an 6or 7 ft tall 2 put in ground 2 stop a car from coming trew my house or what do u have that can help let me no thanks
Location: elmer it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 1940615937"
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