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Old Dogs and their jokes!

  Thread Last Poster Posts Last Post
Archive through February 01, 2007Nuck100
Archive through February 08, 2006My Rantz100
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1093
Registered: Nov-05
Ditto Sem - good clip LOL!
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

New York USA

Post Number: 648
Registered: Mar-04
Thanks guys. I never really left, I've been checking in from time to time, sniffing around. Just haven't left any droppings lately.
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1094
Registered: Nov-05
You sure Sem, there was one lot I thought was yours.



Hmm - maybe it's just my old smella!
 

Gold Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 9977
Registered: May-04
.

Fresh from her shower, she stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.


Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.


"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"


Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.


"How long will this take?" she asks.


"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.


She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"


Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"




.
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 6327
Registered: Dec-04
And visitation will be on Tuesday.
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 6412
Registered: Dec-04
A woman walks into a bar holding a 3 foot salami
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 10027
Registered: May-04
.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 6416
Registered: Dec-04
A string walks into a bar...
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 6417
Registered: Dec-04
Celine Dion walks into a bar...
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 10031
Registered: May-04
.


"A string walks into a bar... "


"Celine Dion walks into a bar... "




That's the same joke.


.
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4647
Registered: Dec-03
Overheard, really, on Friday at happy hour.

"....it's not illegal unless the sheep registers an official complaint".

Great country. The guy must have been from across the water....
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 10039
Registered: May-04
.

Ah, the New Zealand version of "don't ask, don't tell".
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1269
Registered: Nov-05
Of all the Kiwi sheep jokes I've heard, and I can't recall one right now. Just as well I suppose.

Anyway:

Guy's sitting at the bar, drowning his sorrows. Says out loud to no one in particular, "Lawyers are a##eholes!"

Another guy sitting further along the bar replies angrilly. "Hey pal! I resent that!"

First guy says, "Are you a lawyer?"

Other guy responds, "No, I'm an a##ehole."
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 6449
Registered: Dec-04
Ya know what MR?
My Lawyer says his Merc600 doesen't care.

And that's really the crime of it all.
 

Gold Member
Username: Chitown

Post Number: 1328
Registered: Apr-05
"Of all the Kiwi sheep jokes I've heard, and I can't recall one right now. Just as well I suppose. "

I can think of a Scottish one, perhaps I shouldn't do this.

Do you know why the scotts wear kilt?

Because the sheep can hear a zipper opening a mile away.
 

Gold Member
Username: Joe_c

Atlanta, GA USA

Post Number: 1426
Registered: Mar-05
If you guys have an hour to blow I suggest reading through this anti-scam webpage about those African cons about huge sums of money up for grabs. This one is so good, I have not laughed so hard in a long time.
 

Gold Member
Username: Joe_c

Atlanta, GA USA

Post Number: 1427
Registered: Mar-05
oops forgot to post the link:

http://www.419eater.com/html/joe_eboh.htm
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 6451
Registered: Dec-04
Know why the Brits drink warm beer?
Their refrigerators have Lucas electrical systems.



Wonder where copper wire came from?
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

New York USA

Post Number: 667
Registered: Mar-04
Some of the artists of the "60's" are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

17. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again.
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 8061
Registered: Dec-04
http://q107.com/home/FunStuff/WilderAtWork/tabid/272/Default.aspx
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1501
Registered: Nov-05
Chinese Dinner

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"


The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."


"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

__________________________________________

Father O' Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is'

'This is the Irish Tax Office. Can you help us?'

'I can.'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
.
.
.
.
.

'He will.'
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1529
Registered: Nov-05
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man. So he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee to watch and report any activities while he was away on business.

A few days later he received this report:

MOST HONOURABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE.
SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE.
SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME.
I FALL OUT OF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 11189
Registered: May-04
.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the
age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.


.
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1543
Registered: Nov-05
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 11195
Registered: May-04
.

Thankyew. Thankyewverimuch.
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4727
Registered: Dec-03
Like it! [Applause].

That's what it's all about....
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4728
Registered: Dec-03
For the hillside graveyard, Pete Seager's coffin was small and insubstantial. But he had choice of colors.

And Jerry Lee Lewis luckily pre-recorded the music for his crematorium service.
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4730
Registered: Dec-03
Seeger. Seager is a scotch. That was very bad, and very contrived.
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 8501
Registered: Dec-04
hehehe
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4732
Registered: Dec-03
Thanks, Nuck....
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1545
Registered: Nov-05
So, that's what it's all about . . .

:-)
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4734
Registered: Dec-03
Sorry, M.R. I was at a bit of a loss for words. Stop me if you've heard this one before...




How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Er...




Come on, how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?!



Um...., I don't know......., how many feminists DOES it take to......

I DON'T THINK THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1546
Registered: Nov-05
Isn't that 'How many schizo's does it take to change a light bulb.


I don't know, is it?



Will you shut up? I'm talking to John!
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

New York/Cal... USA

Post Number: 698
Registered: Mar-04
Is that kind of like..

"Roses are red, violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I"

Perhaps?

I saw that once as graffiti on a city wall.
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1548
Registered: Nov-05
I'd say so Sem, and so would he.

Hey, speak for yourself fella!

Okay, now - how many schizophrenic feminists does it take . . .

Sorry.

John, maybe I've reached that point where I've had a few too many brain cells die. I'm still trying on the feminist joke. However, I do know how many feminists it takes to hurt a prince or two.
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4736
Registered: Dec-03
That "light bulb" one is better spoken. Possibly.

So, M. how many feminists does it take to hurt a prince or two....?
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1549
Registered: Nov-05
John, only one I know of - and that's your Ms Greer. She was once ours and we're glad she's now yours.
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4738
Registered: Dec-03
I'm glad you remember these little details, M.R!

As I recall, our views on Ms Greer coincided. "Cussword" I think you said.

I suppose it was Australia's way of repaying UK for myxamatosis.

Seriously, I think that lady has done much harm. This is probably not the place.
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1551
Registered: Nov-05
This is probably not the place.

Oh, I don't know John, I think she 's a joke.
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 8520
Registered: Dec-04
There was a chess tournament in town, and 5 players were gathered in the hotel's common space.
Each one was recalling victories and strategies, each trying to one-up the previous player.
They had elevated the conversation to bragging, and the voices were getting louder as the verbal battle gained momentum.
Having reached his limit, the manager came over and requested that the fellas take it somewhere else.
The players thought this odd, and asked the reason for the interruption.

The manager replied...











" I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4739
Registered: Dec-03
That's great, Nuck!

I return to thank M. R. for the one about Chen Lee. I thought of it when I read yesterday's story Sunbed voye_r fell through salon ceiling.

Truth is stranger than fiction.....
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

New York/Cal... USA

Post Number: 700
Registered: Mar-04
Nuck, it's punny but it's been pun before. And then some. :-)

https://www.ecoustics.com/cgi-bin/bbs/show.pl?tpc=1&post=586087#POST586087
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 8570
Registered: Dec-04
That's the best part of having a fragmented memory, Sem.
It's alwys new to me.
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

New York/Cal... USA

Post Number: 701
Registered: Mar-04
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

"The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 8583
Registered: Dec-04
LOL!
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 11233
Registered: May-04
.

Penny and Lorraine are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Penny pulls out a c0ndom, cuts off the end, puts It over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Lorraine : What in the hell is that?

Penny: A c0ndom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lorraine: Where did you get it?

Penny: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lorraine hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of c0ndoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of c0ndom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.



.
 

Gold Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 8587
Registered: Dec-04
ROFL!
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4741
Registered: Dec-03
Oh, just so good. :-)
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 11237
Registered: May-04
.


One for you, John.


HiFi News.
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4742
Registered: Dec-03
I DON'T THINK THAT'S VERY FUNNY
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 11242
Registered: May-04
.

Unfortunately, neither do I. I would settle for funny, but it's not that and it's certainly not informative.


But, it is a joke on its former editors.
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4743
Registered: Dec-03
Agreed, Jan. I've now kicked the HiFi News habit.

Stereophile is much better, in my opinion. Its editor, John Atkinson, probably doesn't think the demise of HFN is amusing, either - he moved from there.

My must-read in HFN used to be John Crabbe. When they dumped him, I knew it was the end. He knew more about audio than the whole lot of 'em put togther. I think he suffered from liking music, and being over about 35. Both considerable handicaps.
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 11252
Registered: May-04
.

Crabbe knew more about audio than anyone I ever saw with a regular column who then didn't have a partisan opinion to push. And, yes, it was always about the music in the end with Crabbe. If it didn't serve the music, he wasn't interested in the method. I have wondered whether Atkinson saw the writing on the wall all those years ago or just made a dumb luck sort of move. At this point, I even feel sorry for Kessler, though he seems to be doing fine with his book sales.


.
 

Gold Member
Username: John_a

LondonU.K.

Post Number: 4744
Registered: Dec-03
--- YEP ---

Bring back John Crabbe, and I'll give it another go.

At this point, I even feel sorry for Kessler

Now that's a good one.... LOL :-) etc. etc.
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

New York/Cal... USA

Post Number: 731
Registered: Mar-04
Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?

answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question : How come?

Answer : An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an Irishman,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips, and a

Korean monitor, assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals...

That, my friends, is Globalization
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1707
Registered: Nov-05
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 11729
Registered: May-04
.


There are no Sicilian longshoremen. It's only a myth made up by Hollywood. Just like the lie they made up about the Mafia existing.
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1712
Registered: Nov-05
The main reason Joe would often visit his doctor was because of Betty, the blonde, voluptuous and beautiful receptionist. He would just sit in the waiting room and ogle her until he was called in to see the doc. Poor Joe was just too shy to ever ask her on a date.

This day however, the doc, with a serious expression, said to him, "Joe, unfortunately I have something serious to tell you this time. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

Taken aback a little, Joe replied, "Er - better give me the bad news first doc."

"You have about six months to live Joe," the doc said.

"Oh jeez!" Joe excalimed. Then said, "What's the good news doc?"

The doctor replied blandly, "You know Betty our receptionist of course?"

"Yep, sure do!"

"Well, I'm bonking her."
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

New York/Cal... USA

Post Number: 775
Registered: Mar-04
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even
though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it
needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under
the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so
that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep
it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been
searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table...


I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my checkbook,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don' t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've
sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day may be coming.
 

Platinum Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 10066
Registered: Dec-04
Doh!
 

Gold Member
Username: Chitown

Post Number: 1353
Registered: Apr-05
Two psychologists are traveling on a train and telling stories about various cases they had seen, when one of them says "I don't normally have Freudian slips like this, but last Thanksgiving at my mother in law's dinner table, I wanted to say would you please pass the hot crescent buns. Instead what came out of my mouth was

You ruined my life you b..ch
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 1916
Registered: Nov-05
Very good guys!
 

Gold Member
Username: Chitown

Post Number: 1369
Registered: Apr-05
What's wrong guys? This thread has been dormant for too long

So a priest a doctor and an engineer go to play golf. They wait for a long time as the group in front of them just didn't seem to be going very fast. They finally complain to the manage.

The manager says there was a fire at the clubhouse last year and some of the firemen fighting the fire were blinded in the ordeal so now the club allows them to play for free whenever they want to.

The three went into a dead silence for a while and finally the priest says "I'm really sorry. When I go back to the church I'll make sure to say prayers for them". The doctor said "Yes and I will get together with some of my Ophthalmologist friends and see if there is anything they can do for them"

Then the engineer says "Why can't these guys play at night?"
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 790
Registered: Mar-04
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

"Picabo, ICU."


-----------------------------------------


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for
a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught
to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to
my house, and we'll put them in the cage with my Francis and
Jobe. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no
time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution.

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with
them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one of the male parrots
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the
******* beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 798
Registered: Mar-04
Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!

I wish I'd thought of this ...

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 800
Registered: Mar-04
A small zoo in Tennessee received a very rare species of gorilla.Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the ternaries determined the problem.

The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. 'First', Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.' The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. 'Second', he said, 'You can't never tell no one about this.' The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. 'Third', Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the chil'drun raised as Baptist.'Once again it was agreed.

4. 'And last of all', Bobby Lee stated, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00.
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 2004
Registered: Nov-05
 

Gold Member
Username: Mike3

Wylie, Tx USA

Post Number: 1462
Registered: May-06
Hey, I got $500!
 

Platinum Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 10892
Registered: Dec-04
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 2005
Registered: Nov-05
Hey Mike, so you didn't need a week to come up with the dough after all!
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 802
Registered: Mar-04
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss'...........And before he could say 'Sh1t', the Rottweiler ate him!

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 806
Registered: Mar-04
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major big shots of Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman without a bikini top strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me."

He went back to gathering the snails, when all of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment, a way down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and muggy that he was exhausted afterward and passed out.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of the apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all up and down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails now crawling all over the steps, looked at his wife and then back at the snails and yelled:

"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 807
Registered: Mar-04
A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman from the third row stands on her chair and screams: "I've had just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?"

"What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" she goes on to say... "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large - all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde screams again, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 808
Registered: Mar-04
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go
to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He
says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesotta , da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up theheat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from
Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling
Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone
down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying
yourselves?'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere
at Brainerd, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis
nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in
Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are
hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable
to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the
room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas,
bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling
and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand,
when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're
still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if
hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 811
Registered: Mar-04
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won 't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don ' t want to offend
you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you ' re as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I 'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I 've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let 's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I ' m single and Catholic!'


'OK,' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I 've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I 'm married and I 'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That ' s OK. My name is Kevin and I ' m going to a
Halloween party.'

HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 813
Registered: Mar-04
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 13217
Registered: May-04
.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"


"The cop asked, "What's he like?"


The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

.
 

Gold Member
Username: Mike3

Wylie, Tx USA

Post Number: 1645
Registered: May-06
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said 'Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off .'

'Could you jack off?' she says......'I feel like sh!t.'
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 823
Registered: Mar-04
Excellent, both of them.
 

Silver Member
Username: Jazzman71

Phoenix, AZ USA

Post Number: 453
Registered: Dec-07
Not a joke, per se, but it struck me as funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd-Zr8caNJo&feature=related
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 2024
Registered: Nov-05
The Tax System - Explained With Beer



Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten

comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it

would go something like this:



The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.



So, that's what they decided to do.



The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the

arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are

all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your

daily beer by $20.'Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.



The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the

first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But

what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they

divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'



They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted

that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would

each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested

that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same

amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.



And so:



The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 ( 25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 ( 22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).



Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued

to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to

compare their savings.



'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed

to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'



'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar,

too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'



'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back

when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'



'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get

anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'



The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.



The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat

down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill,

they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money

between all of them for even half of the bill!



And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our

tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most

benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being

wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might

start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.



For those who understand, no explanation is needed.



For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
 

Platinum Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 11308
Registered: Dec-04
Makes perfect sense to me, professor.
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 13230
Registered: May-04
.

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
 

Gold Member
Username: Chitown

Post Number: 1383
Registered: Apr-05
The untold part of the bar story is that the 10th man gets access to all the backroom liqueur and the bartender's wife, while the others get nothing. Besides, neither the $49 for beer nor the $10 he got back means anything to him.
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 830
Registered: Mar-04
Not a joke but this is a really neat video. While I certainly don't have the nuggets to try something like this, it does look awesome!!

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1778399&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&sho w_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 832
Registered: Mar-04
Sick Hamster ----

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: My son's hamster just got back from the vet. Here's what
happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom.

One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again, I think with the more sarcasm.)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about
to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.

It disappeared.

I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with
the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie IS a boy."

"What?" we gasped in confusion

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... ma$turbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my
wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my vicous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing
you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamster and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...


1 - Cage - 20 bucks...

Trip to the Vet - 30 bucks...


Mental Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's tiny wacker........

Priceless!
 

Gold Member
Username: Mike3

Wylie, Tx USA

Post Number: 1740
Registered: May-06
LMFAO!!!

Sem, that trumps me having to buy fish food for the frigin' gold fish my kid's pet turtle decided to keep for its pets instead of eating them as food.

I hope you washed your hands.
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 833
Registered: Mar-04
It is funny Mike, but alas I cannot accept credit. Just something someone forwarded to me and I passed along. Not sure if its even a true story or not. But yours is and that in itself makes your story hilarious!!
 

Platinum Member
Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 13333
Registered: May-04
.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjyLIoSPxXk
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 837
Registered: Mar-04
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDdVy2pSeHk&feature=related
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 868
Registered: Mar-04
Who is really your Friend?


Your wife or your dog?


If you not sure or maybe confused I challenge you to an experiment.





Place your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car............


Return in an hour or two and I assure you the answer to the question will become very clear.


Never forget who said love, honor and obey vs. who actually practices it!!!!!!!
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 869
Registered: Mar-04
THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.


After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 870
Registered: Mar-04
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'


'I'M 96 SAID THE OLD MAN.'

'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't peee on my slippers.'
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 2155
Registered: Nov-05






Thanks Sem, good ones as usual!
 

Platinum Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 12096
Registered: Dec-04
http://www.canuckaudiomart.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=5772&start=120

I couldn'tcopy it!
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 2158
Registered: Nov-05
Lord, the images that conjures!
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 876
Registered: Mar-04
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, Looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:


'I went by your grandma's house today and


I saw her in the hallway buck naked.


Man, she is one fine looking woman!'


The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.


His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
Would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:


'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,


The best I ever had!'


The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad,


But the biker still says nothing.


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,


'I'll tell you something else, boy,
Your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,


Takes the drunk by the shoulders,
Looks him square in the eyes and says....................



'Grandpa;....... Go home!
 

Platinum Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 12172
Registered: Dec-04
hehehe
 

Silver Member
Username: Jazzman71

Phoenix, AZ USA

Post Number: 701
Registered: Dec-07
ONLY A GOLFER WOULD UNDERSTAND


A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses
from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks
up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying
here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on
the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
 

Silver Member
Username: Jazzman71

Phoenix, AZ USA

Post Number: 702
Registered: Dec-07
ONLY A GOLFER WOULD UNDERSTAND

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the
priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son? "The
young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The
priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church,
when we pray, we keep our head down."
 

Silver Member
Username: Jazzman71

Phoenix, AZ USA

Post Number: 703
Registered: Dec-07
ONLY A GOLFER WOULD UNDERSTAND

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a 5-iron covered with blood standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes " says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a
five."
 

Silver Member
Username: Jazzman71

Phoenix, AZ USA

Post Number: 704
Registered: Dec-07
ONLY A GOLFER WOULD UNDERSTAND

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit
his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening
between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his
3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit
him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good
golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 879
Registered: Mar-04
An old one ...

A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should just go fishing."
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 880
Registered: Mar-04
...And another old one, sorry Nuck, no offense intended.

A guy walks into a grocery store and tells the clerk that he wants to buy a half a head of lettuce. The clerk says he's sorry but we don't sell a half a head of lettuce. You either buy the whole head of lettuce or you don't get any letuce at all.

The guy says he 's only making salad for himself and can't use a whole head of lettuce. He asks the clerk to check with the manager.

The clerk goes over to the side area of the supermarket, opens the door, leans in an says--------hey boss, some a$$hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce. Then the clerk notices that the guy has followed him and is standing right behind him. So he says-------and this gentleman here would like to buy the other half.

The guy leaves with his half a head of lettuce. The boss comes out and congratulates the clerk for his quick thinking in handling the situation. The clerk says--------thanks boss, but believe me, where I come from, you either think fast on your feet or you don't survive. I'm from Toronto and all they got up there is whores and hockey players.

The boss says---now wait a minute, my wife is from Toronto.

The clerk says---------oh really, what team did she play for?
 

Platinum Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 12271
Registered: Dec-04
It's cool SEM,most Nucks like the jokes.
That was a commercial here 20 yrs ago for Molson Golden beer, LOL!
Well, close.
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 885
Registered: Mar-04
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest ..
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadel phia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 891
Registered: Mar-04
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church in South Philly, they have a weekly
husband's-only marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest
asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a
her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to
Italy for our 20th anniversary!"

The priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th anniversary?"

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."





*********************************************************************8

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

He replied, "Because that's a microwave."
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 893
Registered: Mar-04
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter , and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nud1st camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A Paul Lynde : Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter , I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde : Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!
 

Platinum Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 12517
Registered: Dec-04
I love it!
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 2218
Registered: Nov-05
 

Platinum Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 12606
Registered: Dec-04
A priest sits on a park bench and notices a very scruffy man walking towards him with love bites on his neck and a packet of rubbers poking out of his shirt pocket. The man is smoking a joint, swigging from a half empty bottle of Scotch, he has a half empty bottle of Gin in his pocket. The man clearly hasn't washed or shaved for several days and he sits down on the bench beside the priest. The scruffy man then starts to read a news paper. After a while the man leans towards the priest and in a weak and sad sort of voice he asks, "Father, please can you tell me what causes arthritis?"
The Priest looks at the man disgustedly and replies sternly, "I'll tell you what causes arthritis shall I? Mixing with women of ill repute, consuming excess alcohol, smoking of any kind and general uncleanliness and self abuse. THAT IS WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS!" The shabby man turns away looking quite shocked and continues to read his paper.
A few moments go by and the Priest starts to feel guilty about his outburst and thinks that he has neglected his duty by turning away a soul who God has sent for his guidance so he turns to the man and says, "I am sorry my dear fellow, I shouldn't have responded to you in such a sharp manner, tell me, How long have you been suffering from arthritis?" The man looks at him confusedly and replies, "Oh, I haven't but I read in my paper that the Pope had it!"
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 896
Registered: Mar-04
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 902
Registered: Mar-04
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclos ing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' - Jack E. Leonard

'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' - Robert Redford

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' - Abraham Lincoln

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about. ' - Winston Churchill

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 2362
Registered: Nov-05
Excellent find Sem. I need to remember some of these.
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 903
Registered: Mar-04
Thanks MR, I think I'll stash a couple of those away myself for just the right occasion.
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 905
Registered: Mar-04
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting
to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious,he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
 

Silver Member
Username: Sem

NY/CA USA

Post Number: 906
Registered: Mar-04
John and Helen met while on holidays. John fell head over heels inlovewith her.
But after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various
dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. He was convinced it was true love.

And so.....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his new
found lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going
to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"

Helen took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest,
here goes .... You need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I see," John replied. "That's a problem, for sure."

He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added,
"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists
straight when you tee off."
 

Gold Member
Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 2376
Registered: Nov-05
Not a joke - a test.
How good is the left and right side of your brain?
Providing you have one of course :-)

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,22492511-5005375,00.html?from=most pop
 

Platinum Member
Username: Nuck

Post Number: 15667
Registered: Dec-04
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
 

Gold Member
Username: Chitown

Post Number: 1530
Registered: Apr-05
I don't get it.
 

Platinum Member
Username: Artk

Albany, Oregon USA

Post Number: 13778
Registered: Feb-05
That one weren't good...just sayin'!
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