OT- Read u will enjoy......

 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7106
Registered: Jul-05
This is a good one...... Have a good laugh...

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an
ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed .....Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and
subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself,

"I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and
the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20
pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every
cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/ 50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.

"This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine !!!!!."..........
 

Gold Member
Username: Basshead86

Ocala, FL USA

Post Number: 2763
Registered: Aug-05
ewww...........
 

Gold Member
Username: Bestmankind

Los Angeles, CA USA

Post Number: 3480
Registered: Oct-05
lol
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7110
Registered: Jul-05
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ''H'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he''s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ''Y'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he''s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.



A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ''M'' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7111
Registered: Jul-05
Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single.
Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave, you're a vet..."
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7112
Registered: Jul-05

Five Rules to having a happy life.

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from the time to time,cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes you.

5. It's very, very important that these 4 women
don't know each other.........
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7113
Registered: Jul-05
A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang
>>> the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
>>> daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally n/aked. Soft music
>>>was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
>>>?>?>?quot;What are you doing?" she asked.
>>>?>?>?quot;I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
>>> daughter-in-law answered.
;But you're n/aked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!
;This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
;Love dress? But you're n/aked!"
;My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
>>>"It
>>> excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this
>>>dress,
>>>he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me
>>>for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
>>>?>?> The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
>>>showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a
>>>romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
>>>arrive.
>>>?>?> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
>>>laying
>>> there so provocatively.
;What are you doing?" he asked.
;This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
;Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"...
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7114
Registered: Jul-05
3 guys were about to enter Heaven when God assigned a talk to one of the Angel working at the Heaven's Gate. The 3 were told that if they managed to take the challenge, they are free to go back to the earth, if they failed, they must pass and enter into Heaven.

The angel said " I want the three of you, to go into the jungle pick up 3 fruits of your choice and come back here."

The 3 left, and searched for their fruits, 2 came back, one carrying 3 apples, another carrying 3 papaya, another still on the search. "Now your task is, to stick the fruits you have collected, up into your a/rse and don't laugh, if you laughed, you will go to Heaven," the angel said. The 2 have no choice but to stick the fruits up into their a/rse when the one with apples, burst into laughter on his final apples, and went straight to heaven. The second one, also, on the last papaya, bursted and went straight to heaven.

God met them and asked " I saw you 2 doing great in the first 2, but why? why on the last one did you guys failed? Else you could be save on earth now. They said "We cannot stand ourself when we saw another dude carrying 3 watermelons back!"
 

Bronze Member
Username: Jl_rock

Temecula, California U.S.

Post Number: 74
Registered: Mar-06
Where did you get those?

the doctor one was sick!!
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7115
Registered: Jul-05
this guy had a very beautiful neighbour...one morning, as he was watering his plants, the girl came out to water her garden..she noticed a few mushrooms growing in her garden...the guys, thinking she was annoyed with the mushrooms, said, "arent they just a nuisance?" she replied, "well, actually i think they are pretty cute" as she touched and fondled the mushrooms gently. that night, the guy had an idea. while the girl was sleeping at night, he would bury himself in her garden with his d!ck sticking out of the surface. and so he did.

in the morning, the girl came out for her routine morning chores to water the plants...as she saw a new little mushroom, she carressed it and played with it a while...as she was doing this, it evantually grew bigger and harder...she then said "wow, wat an amazing mushroom...i must give this one lots of love and caring". the guy did this for a period of time. one day, he told all of his frens about this and they all wanted in on some of the fun. that night, he invited all of his frens to bury themselves in the girls garden.

the next morning, when the girl came out to the garden, she was stunned to see lots of mushrooms sticking out from her garden. she cursed..."KNNCB, why so many mushrooms man?? one is enuff but not so many!!" she then took out her lawn mower.........
 

Bronze Member
Username: Jl_rock

Temecula, California U.S.

Post Number: 75
Registered: Mar-06
O MY GOD!

that would suck!
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7116
Registered: Jul-05
there was a couple, husbands name was Harder, wifes name was Belle...one day, Harder was in the garage fixing some stuff while his wife Belle was having a shower...the postman arrived with a registered mail which required someone to sign..the husband, hearing the postman honking, called out to his wife "BELLE!!!" he shouted out...the postman thought he had to press a bell to get in, so he searched around for a bell or button...as the wife was walking down, still wet from coming out of the showers, she stepped on her bath robe and slipped down, striping her naked in the process..as she stumbled, she landed flat againts the door with her n/ipple getting stuck and lodged in the key hole...the postman, not finding any button or bell to press suddenly noticed her n/ipple and since it was the only "button-like" thing he could find, pressed it...not wanting the postman to know he was pressing her n/ipple, she called out to her husband for help, "HARDER!!!!!"...the postman out of frustration then pressed it harder but still could not get the door open. Belle, being in a real situation, called out to her husband again at the top of her lungs "HARDER!!!" the postmand being irritated, then pinched the 'button' and shouted back "I'M PRESSING AS HARD AS I CAN!!!!!"
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7117
Registered: Jul-05
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing hergown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory"........
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7118
Registered: Jul-05
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled
over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7119
Registered: Jul-05

Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied
man.
But behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted
man.

An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
Your name pls? "Abdul Aziz"
"Sex?" "Six times a week!"
"No, no, I mean male or female!"
"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel!"

Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes u get full, satisfactory service, and
sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service."

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of HerWorld.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of p/layboy and....
Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor.
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can
tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her
husband to pay for it.

Woman complaining to dentist:
"It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a
tooth removed".
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the
chair accordingly.

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die, wanted her
tombstone to read:
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
To cut cost, engraver shortened it to:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten
everything..........
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7120
Registered: Jul-05
A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday.
She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way
home
she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says
to
the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think
I
am?" About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says
happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl
"How old do you think I am?" "I guess about 29." The woman replies.
"Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore
on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and
asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again
she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
kind
of
forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally
blurts
out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her
blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and
carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay,
that's
enough,.....how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her b/reasts, removes his hands and
says,
"Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you possibly know that from a feel of my b/reasts?
The old man replies: "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 550
Registered: Jan-05
Those are hilarious.
 

Gold Member
Username: Young_james

Canada

Post Number: 1151
Registered: Sep-05
Rovin's on a roll!
 

Gold Member
Username: Redliner

Wilmington, Ma

Post Number: 1260
Registered: Jun-05
lol nice rovin nothing like a old man getting a cheap feel lol
 

Silver Member
Username: Matt12490

Benicia, California USA

Post Number: 596
Registered: May-05
dammmit rovin i was reading these and forgot about my ebay auction now i lost :-(
 

Gold Member
Username: Chaunb3400

Huntsville, Alabama U.S.

Post Number: 6421
Registered: Jul-05
^^^LOL, what was it
 

Gold Member
Username: Young_james

Canada

Post Number: 1154
Registered: Sep-05
uh oh......now your in for it rovin!! lol
 

New member
Username: Akdillpickle

Post Number: 1
Registered: Apr-06
The prom was coming up and this ugly brother and sister had no one to go with. one day the sister asks her brother to take her to the prom so that she knows what its like and he says "ok, but just this once."

So they're at the prom and no one's dancing with them cuz they're so ugly, so the sister asks her brother to dance with her so she know what its like and he says "ok, but just this once."

while they're dancing the sister looks up at her brother and asks her sister to kiss her so she knows what its like and he says "ok, but just this once."

Later in the night the sister asks her brother to have sex with her so that she know what its like and he says "Ok, but just this once."

when they're done the sister says "you do it just like daddy does."

the brother says "thats what mommy said!"
 

Silver Member
Username: Graphix1

Santa Rosa Heights, Arima Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 849
Registered: Oct-05
hahahaha,rov those made my day....
 

Silver Member
Username: Mixmastaspig

Canada, Canada Canada

Post Number: 544
Registered: Sep-05
Hahaha
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7136
Registered: Jul-05
there r some more but i cant give all the good stuff away on 1 day -lol .........
 

Silver Member
Username: Delsole

Post Number: 321
Registered: Feb-05
too funny

dats my laugh for the night
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7146
Registered: Jul-05
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see
how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
Voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near
the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you
each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
The afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO KIDDING! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

==================================================

Question : Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms America : Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.

Question : How can you say so?

Ms America : Because it stands every time it sees a woman........



(Applause! Applause!)



Question : Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Spain : Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro(Bull).

Question : How can you say so?

Ms Spain : Because it charges every time it sees an opening.



(Applause! Applause!)



Question : Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Philippines : Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.

Question : How can you say so?

Ms Philippines : Because it passes from mouth to mouth.



(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)



Question : Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Iran : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.

Question : How can you say so?

Ms Iran : Because they like to enter through the back door.



(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)



Question : Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms India : Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.

Question : How can you say so?

Ms India : Because it works day and night......



(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)



Question : Ms Malaysia, how do you des cribe a male organ in your country?

Ms Malaysia : Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.

Question : How can you say so?

Ms Malaysia : Look tough but actually very soft.

(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)......
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7147
Registered: Jul-05
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say,
"Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. So I said sure, why not?"

He picked me up and we drove up to the mountains. After we had lunch, we started back down the mountain and his brakes went out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So there we were picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.

We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our a/rse, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figured this is it!! I just know we're gonna die!! So I turned to him and said...

"Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!!"

"DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!"... (SPIT)
==================================================

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

==================================================

chinaman vs the pope

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the
Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from
the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a
religious debate with a member of the Chinese community.

If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the
Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they
picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them. Ah Peh
asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make it more
interesting", he said, "Neither side would be allowed to talk". The
Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Ah Peh and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Peh
looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his
fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Peh pointed to the ground
at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh pull out
an apple. The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too
good. The Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him
what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
holy trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there
was still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all
around us." He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that
God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all
sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had
an answer for everything.

What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh.

"What happened?" they asked. Well," said Ah Peh, "First he
indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I
replied to him f*#k off and not one of us is leaving." "Then he
pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed
him that we are staying right here." "Yes, and then???" asked the
crowd. "I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and I
took out mine!!!"
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7148
Registered: Jul-05
After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo,and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is Still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
==================================================

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell
you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the
crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye
black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church
saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had
her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to
me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't
like this, so I pushed it back in!"
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7173
Registered: Jul-05
A priest wanted to go away for a while so he asked his rabbi friend to hold the fort for him.
The rabbi said he does not know what to do so the priest took him behind the confession booth. Not to long later a woman came
Woman:Forgive me father for I have sinned
Priest: What is your sin?
Woman: I have committed adultery
Priest: How many people?
Woman:3 men
Priest: Say two hail marys and put five dollars in the offering plate

Not to long later a man came to the confession boothWoman:Forgive me father for I have sinned
Priest: What is your sin?
Man: I have committed adultery
Priest: How many people?
Man:3 women
Priest: Say two hail marys and put five dollars in the offering plate

The rabbi said he could handle it from here.
Not to long later a woman came into the confession booth
Woman:Forgive me father for I have sinned
Rabbi: What is your sin?
Woman: I have committed adultery
Rabbi: How many people?
Woman:1 man
Priest: Well go and do it with two more ppl and come back cuz this week we are running a special... three for five dollars!!
==================================================

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot
high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on
the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a
tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano,
and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says:"Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
a beautiful genie ! is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish.
Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is
soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a
little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?".......
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7174
Registered: Jul-05
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.....
==================================================

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a s/tool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m/asturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c/ocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m/asturbating, your elbow will never get better....
 

Gold Member
Username: Basshead86

Ocala, FL USA

Post Number: 2765
Registered: Aug-05
that is probably the funniest joke yet^^ lol
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7187
Registered: Jul-05
Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.

The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.

Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.

By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.

So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two blach ping-pong balls up to her.

She said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"

Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday."

==================================================

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

==================================================

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her p/anties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!" .............
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7225
Registered: Jul-05
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.

The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.

One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.

He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was g@y!" and rode off as fast as he could!

==================================================

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."

"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The b/itch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 567
Registered: Jan-05
I LOVE THIS THREAD!
 

Gold Member
Username: Basshead86

Ocala, FL USA

Post Number: 2766
Registered: Aug-05
had to think for a sec on the Golf joke.....HAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Gold Member
Username: Redliner

Wilmington, Ma

Post Number: 1294
Registered: Jun-05
ya im with you on that one muddy lol
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7265
Registered: Jul-05
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a p/iss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t/its, you'd be a ten!!!"
==================================================


Jokes | Jokes
Locker room

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one I really liked.

I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $650,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
==================================================

An American businessman was in Japan.

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.

Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
==================================================

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words.

She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?"

Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!"

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday", says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 581
Registered: Jan-05
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my p/enis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my p/enis... fifty times!"

 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7285
Registered: Jul-05
good 1 ! ^^^^^

either way he gets satified ! - LOL ........
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7286
Registered: Jul-05
good 1 ! ^^^^^

either way he gets satisfied ! - LOL ........
 

Silver Member
Username: Opie_har

Somewhere, One of them USA

Post Number: 185
Registered: Oct-04
Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.

Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh." The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You ruined my life, b!tch!'"
 

Silver Member
Username: Opie_har

Somewhere, One of them USA

Post Number: 186
Registered: Oct-04
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That's right."

So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy.

"Jeez, I'd like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He's upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

_________________________________________________

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
_________________________________________________

A newly married couple are honeymooning in India. As they're walking through a bazaar they see a sign that reads: "Magic sandals. Guaranteed to improve your sex life."

The couple walk into the shop and are greeted by the shopkeeper. "These magic sandals," he tells the wife, "will increase your husband's sex drive and make him an accomplished lover." The wife tells the shopkeeper that her husband wears a size 10, and that he'd like to try them on.

So the husband sits down, puts on the sandals and gets a gleam in his eye that his wife has never seen before. The husband rips his pants off, bends the shopkeeper over the counter and goes to town.

Frantically the shopkeeper screams, "The sandals! You've got them on the wrong feet!"



 

Silver Member
Username: Opie_har

Somewhere, One of them USA

Post Number: 187
Registered: Oct-04
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish .But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."
_________________________________________________
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now naked, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
_________________________________________________
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"
_________________________________________________
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

 

Silver Member
Username: Opie_har

Somewhere, One of them USA

Post Number: 188
Registered: Oct-04
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
_________________________________________________
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."
_________________________________________________

 

Silver Member
Username: Opie_har

Somewhere, One of them USA

Post Number: 189
Registered: Oct-04
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
_________________________________________________
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came
addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to
see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited
two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to
buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can
you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all
the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be
able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
b*stards at the Post Office.


 

Silver Member
Username: Opie_har

Somewhere, One of them USA

Post Number: 190
Registered: Oct-04
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7347
Registered: Jul-05
gotta keep this thread alive

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?

His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.

The husband says, No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
==================================================

A man takes his wife to the cattle stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.

They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:"This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says,"He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:"This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says,"This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says,"WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says,"Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."

==================================================


Jokes | Jokes
Hi Dave

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b/itch tonight, Dave."..
 

Silver Member
Username: Nemen

Post Number: 718
Registered: Dec-05
lolololol excellent jokes as always rovin. you always have me rofl.
 

Gold Member
Username: Redliner

Wilmington, Ma

Post Number: 1355
Registered: Jun-05
we need more lol
 

Gold Member
Username: Rovin

Trinidad & T...

Post Number: 7415
Registered: Jul-05
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby -- so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father,
"Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"

==================================================
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man.
"She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.
lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man.
"We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
==================================================

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who
started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful
clothing.

He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up with
red,green,& yellow with feathers.

The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin'at,eh? Didn't you do
anything strange when you were a teenager?"

"Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son.......


 

Gold Member
Username: Redliner

Wilmington, Ma

Post Number: 1371
Registered: Jun-05
lol nice ones rovin keep them coming man i love your jokes
 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 587
Registered: Jan-05
A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your @ss!"

 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 588
Registered: Jan-05
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 590
Registered: Jan-05
A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband's friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband's in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I'll give it to you if you'll open your bathrobe for me." She's offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I'll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she's really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a b-itch owes me 800 bucks!"



 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 591
Registered: Jan-05
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

Gold Member
Username: Redliner

Wilmington, Ma

Post Number: 1377
Registered: Jun-05
lol i liked that last one the most out of those ones
 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 592
Registered: Jan-05
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his p_enis in the mommy's v@gina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's p_enis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 593
Registered: Jan-05
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 594
Registered: Jan-05
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."

"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexu@l favours."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 595
Registered: Jan-05
An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My p_enis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a p_enis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 596
Registered: Jan-05
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box.

 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 597
Registered: Jan-05
These are pranks I have actually pulled on coworkers. They are all great and very simple to pull off! I'll list more when I think of them (or when you guys send em in.) -ebaum


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When two (ore more) people are working a desks that are put next to each other, switch their telephone cords. With all those cables lying around it will take some time before they find that one out!

Put a peice of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.

It is allways a good habit to lock your computer before heading off for coffee or a smoke. When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. "f*ck" or so will do nicely. They'll never notice and send it out.

Get a hold of someone's cell phone and change the greeting banner to say "NO SERVICE". Many cell phones have greeting banners on them that you can personalize to say whatever you want them to and it stays on there when you're not using your phone. Also, when there is no service where you are, most cell phone companies have a banner that pops up on your screen saying "no service".

Take a can of non gel shaving cream, and put it in a freezer. When it is frozen remove the bottom of the can and put it in co worker's drawer. When it melts it expands and explodes all over everything.

Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!". They will usually panick and start scanning for viruses.

Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.

Do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!

This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in there floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.

Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will autoplay when windows first starts up. The person starting up there PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.

This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to autmatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!

Change the coffee in the office coffe maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks(or untill you think everybody has gotten over their caffine addiction)and switch to expresso!

Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats $HlT" or something to that effect.

With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpeice inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpeice. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.

Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc... before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.

My absolutely most favorite prank I have saved for last. It is so simple to do and yields such nice results. Simply pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.

 

Silver Member
Username: Nnnnick_b

Weddington, Nc Usa

Post Number: 598
Registered: Jan-05
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

 

Gold Member
Username: Redliner

Wilmington, Ma

Post Number: 1383
Registered: Jun-05
lol i remember seeing number 7 on the news
 

Gold Member
Username: Cenus

Hicksville, Ohio Usa

Post Number: 1640
Registered: Jan-05
sex is like a card game, if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

how are drunk women and old bumper stickers alike, there both hard to get off.

a guy came home early one day from work, and heard weird sounds coming from his bedroom, when he went up stairs he found his wife naked and sweating on the bed. what the h3ll is going on he yells. Im haveing a heart attack call 911 she stammers, as he ran downstairs to call 911, his son came running up and said, "daddy, uncle tommy is upstairs hiding in the closet and he's naked" his farther slams down the phone and ran up stairs to find his brother. " what the h3ll are you doing", he screamed, " my wife is having a heart attack and your running around naked scareing the kids".
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